Reflections on Grief
This strange world I find myself in…
No one else knows how I feel.
I am an island and isolated from everyone around me.
They see me, talk to me and think that I am fine.
But no one knows where I am.
They see only my shell as I look back at them through eyes that reflect only what I want them to see.
They cannot touch my pain, so they cannot comfort me,
or love me.
I do not wish to share this numbness with anyone,
and so I will stay here alone
on my island of me…
Random thoughts of loss…
When you lose a spouse you become widowed but what do they call those of us who lose a child, a parent, a friend, a sister. Is there no name you can give us? Don’t we suffer enough that we deserve a label too?
How else can we explain to the world that we know what is is like to endure the numbing pain of great loss?
They all think I’m fine, that I am coping so well; that time has mended my heart and I’m ready to face the world again.
Some days they are right.
If only they knew the deep and clever ways I have learned to hide my pain so that they do not bear witness to the razor-sharp points stabbing at my emotions.
If have discovered that this grief is something I am getting used to.
The feeling each day of waking and realising that another day without him has dawned, and that I must make the most of my life today so that his death is made sense of somehow.
For what ever reason, it appears that I must now live my life.
Time dulls all emotions… love, loss, anger, hatred, despair, sorrow, happiness, joy.
All of those feelings go unforgotten, only made more bearable or softer in recall,
by the passing of time.
Do you know what it is to be haunted?
It is to have your memories slap you in the face at e very turn.
Oh the sting of remembering!
To be haunted is not to see wispy ghosts in the stairwells, but to feel the spirits of the dead showing you each every one of the best of times you shared.
And to relive again through the tragedy of their leaving,
and the people.
Maybe our whole lives are spent
learning to be angels for those
we meet along the way…
How can you have left me?
I trusted you to stay.
I thought that if I loved you enough it would be forever.
I thought that all the feelings in the depth of my soul would be enough
to hold you here.
Weren’t you listening to the whispers of my heart?
So what now?
How will I get through these darkest of days without you
to hold me,
and comfort me in my loss?
I am tortured by questions.
So many thoughts about how you felt; where you scared?
I wonder where you are
and how you are feeling now…
and hardest of all,
did I do enough?
And then I remind myself
that I have no reason
or for worry.
You are looking out for me
and I always feel you near.
I know that deep inside
you are ok,
and we were just fine!
Our love still lives on
and that will never change.
I realise only now that you are gone,
that I really do know you
There are times when memories are the hardest things to cope with,
and others when memories are all that keep me going.
Slowly I counted the days since you left,
and then I counted the weeks
Finally I counted the months gone by,
and now it is the years.
At first I thought I would die too,
But I found myself still breathing.
Then finally I started living again,
the journey has not yet ended.
I want my life back! This is not the way I had it planned and I ma fed up with coping. I am completely alone in a sea of sympathy, and I think my lifeboat has sprung a leak!
And yet some days I find that I am happy and smiling again.
Live is suddenly manageable
in small doses.
I can do this – I’m sure I can – I think I can… today!
Today I am going to get through the whole day without tears.
This is my promise to myself.
I think I can do it, so long as your spirit is guiding me,
to get through the agony of losing you every day.
They say there is a reason for everything.
When I find out the reason for this,
I’ll be sure to tell someone.
Right now, I’m just trying to make sense of it all.